With the recent success of actor-turned-rapper Aubrey "Drake" Graham, there most likely will be an influx of similarly aspiring MCs who are talented in other arenas. Halt for just a moment, though, sir, and let us use history as a cautionary tale against those who think they know what they're doing with a mic just because they've been in front of a camera or live audience before.
Follow the jump for some crossover rappers who should have stayed in their respective lanes and left hip-hop to the professionals.
Brian (Austin) Green - "You Send Me"
The year was 1996. "Beverly Hills 90210" was at its peak of popularity, and Brian Austin Green decided to try and cash in on his celebrity and make a hip-hop album. Green, who dropped the "Austin" probably when he realized his name sounded a lot like the kid's from "Home Improvement", released a single album titled One Stop Carnival (insert clown joke here) and tried to get all coffee shop slam poet gangsta on our asses with this joint, "You Send Me".
With production (and probably ghostwritten verses, too) from The Pharcyde's Slimkid3, the song isn't nearly as terrible as it could have been. But even with Pharcyde's backing, there was no transforming Green's nasal tone and lame posturing into something that you could blast in your car without frantically rolling the windows up when you came to a stoplight.
2 Fail Kazaams (out of 5)
Kobe Bryant (feat. Tyra Banks) - "K.O.B.E."
As a Laker fan, I'm sure I'm not the only one who watches Kobe on the court sometimes, especially in this most recent championship series win, and feels like there is nothing this man can't do.
Just watch this video to remind yourself that he's human.
It's a good thing the crowd is cheering so loud and probably can't even understand what he's saying, because he is making Mase's Harlem World (LOL! Remember them?) look like Rakim. I'm not sure what he was going for with that Sway Calloway head piece, either. Let's just say I'm glad Weezy wrote his victory anthem and not him.
Shouts out also to Tyra Banks, who manages to make my ears bleed even when she's lip synching.
3.5 Fail Kazaams (out of 5)
Joaquin Phoenix - "Unknown/I Didn't Care to Look it Up"
The people in this club in Vegas must have felt bamboozled when they were promised Walk the Line star Joaquin Phoenix and looked up on stage to find the Unibomber doing some kind of hillbilly voodoo chant over a Casio keyboard default beat. The audio's bad, but seriously, I think he's just babbling incoherently. Watching this just makes me feel uncomfortable even more than it does embarrassed, which is not a good look.
The best moment in the performance came a few minutes later. I like to think this was a "Showtime at the Apollo"-esque elimination tactic, i.e. a trap door opened and took him away because he was so awful.
5 Fail Kazaams (out of 5)
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